How To: Become A Better Man. 37 Facts About Women. Directly From The Horse’s Mouth

Since they’re stabbing each other over iPods, going to jail over shitty pranks, and chopping off dicks left, right, and centre, it might be a good idea to try and better understand the psyche of a woman before one of us wakes up in the middle of the night dickless.

And thanks to Esquire Magazine we get a glimpse into how they operate. Reading these facts is like playing Super Mario with a cheat-sheet.

The following facts were all submitted by women themselves:

• What makes our skin crawl: cell phone holsters, crocs (really?), and when you leave your stupid bluetooth earpiece in 24/7.

• We love hearing about your family. Even when it's boring, it's good to know you think about them.
• We appreciate when you keep your condoms within close reach from the bed so we don't spend ten minutes waiting naked while you search the other end of the apartment.

• Sometimes we want to be treated like a princess. Sometimes, we want to be treated like a sex object. It's up to you to figure out which of these we want to be at any given moment, because we certainly aren't going to tell you.
• We think saying "ladies" at the end of any statement or question makes it kind of creepy.
• If we make it through an entire first date without seeing what color your iPhone case is, well, we just might fall in love.
• You'll lose points every time you use the word "pussy."
• When we ask you how we look, you lose points every time you answer with "fine."
• It's not that we like the flowers themselves, it's that the flowers mean you're thinking about us. And we love that.
• We do want romance, but we don't want you to do these things because we instruct you to. We want you to come by them naturally.
• The most important error most of you make when trying to figure us out is in thinking of us as mysterious, unknowable creatures who adhere to some cabalistic set of Girl Rules.
• We prefer an arm around us to holding hands pretty much any day.
• Even we know this: The craziest girls are the ones who seem the most normal at first.
• We agonize over text messages. For instance, a one-word response means you're not interested. Right?
• We think the clean-laundry smell of you in your undershirt is a thousand times more appealing than even the best cologne.
• We love a chase. Not calling all the time gives us a chance to try new things to get your attention.
• If you plan a date a week in advance, we'll spend the next seven days planning our outfit. Starting from the second you hang up the phone.
• If we are wearing white pants or shorts, we are looking to hook up. It's like code.
• Where do we put on perfume? Where we wish to be kissed.
• One-armed hugs means we're friends. Two-armed hugs show you care. Squeezing the hell out of us says you love us.
• Those little nonsensical arguments, for us, are fun. They give us a chance to see how you deal with things.
• Sometimes wingmen can do more harm than good, so be brave: do it alone.
• We always want dessert. We always want you to order dessert. What we never want is for you to ask us if we want dessert. It's redundant.
• Under no circumstance, besides enlistment in the Army, will we find cargo pants an acceptable choice. You hear that Geeds?
• We prefer that you never use the word "bang" when referring to sex.
• We like it when we impress you, whether it's the fact that we own and know the names of most tools, we can drive a stick better than you can, or that we aren't totally freaked out by bugs.
• Men don't realize that women notice everything. Including when you've worn the same underwear two days in a row.
• We don't like guys who agree with us all the time.
• If we had to make the first move, you will be reminded of it for the rest of our relationship.
• When you say you know somebody who knows somebody who knows somebody, it absolutely never makes you sound cool.
• Don't pay attention to us if we reach for our bag and offer to pay on a first date.
• We think you look sexier after you work out than when you're wearing a tux.
• Sometimes we don't need you to solve the problem, we just want you to listen.
• Please do not ever, ever let us see you naked if you are still wearing your socks.
• When we say that nothing is wrong, we mean that you should know what is wrong without us having to tell you.
• Most of us have considered a threesome. Just not with our boyfriends.

Visit  Esquire for the complete list.

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